Tag Archives: Humor

Opportunity

1 Reply

Ahem. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to take this oppor­tu­nity to say a few words.

***

Oppor­tu­nity knocked on my door the other day. I opened the door, not because I wanted to welcome her in, but because I was curious to see what she looked like.

***

Oppor­tu­nity knocked on my door the other day. I lured her in, knocked her out with a baseball bat and confined her in my dungeons. Serves her right for walking into a stranger’s apart­ment like that.

***

Oppor­tu­nity knocked on my door the other day. I was pretty excited and welcomed her in, but all she wanted was a glass of water. Bummer.

***

Oppor­tu­nity knocked on my door the other day. I told her I’d had enough of person­i­fi­ca­tions and slammed Mr. Door in her face.

***

Oppor­tu­nity knocked on my door the other day. Yeah, right.

Together Once More

8 Replies

Oh Capital One, how I missed you!

You used to be there for me. Every day, every season, I could count on you! I would come home from work in the evening, tired and sleepy, and when I opened my mailbox, I would see your credit card offer with 0% APR (* Terms and Condi­tions Apply) lying there happily, waiting for me. You used to greet me with your wonderful smile and cheerful words. Your humble spirit and never-say-die attitude inspired me more than you knew, oh Capital One! You were my hero, my idol!

And then things changed, I don’t know how or why. Sometimes you were there, sometimes you weren’t. Those days of uncer­tainty were the worst; as I reached out to the mailbox, those moments stretched out into ages and my hand trembled. Sometimes I couldn’t bear to open my eyes, lest you weren’t there.

I don’t know when you stopped caring about me, Capital One. After a while, you disap­peared from my life completely, and I gave up all hope. Life wasn’t the same anymore.

And then today, when I opened my mailbox like every other day, expecting the empti­ness to greet me with its mocking smile, you were there! At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes; I blinked in surprise for sometime before I could breathe again. You were there again, with your friendly loving promise of 0% APR (* Terms and Condi­tions Apply), and all of a sudden it struck me with full force how unhappy I had been without you, how unful­filling the world had been in your absence.

Oh Capital One, I don’t know why you left or what made you come back to me. Maybe you’ll leave me again someday, but for now you’re there by my side, and nothing else matters anymore.

Schrödinger’s Cat

2 Replies

Once upon a time, there lived a man in the outskirts of Quantum Village. Schrödinger was his name, and he had a cat called Schrödinger­scat. Schrödinger loved his cat, and he had lived in the village for many years in peace and contentment.

Now Schrödinger was a smart man, and he liked to perform many scien­tific exper­i­ments in his lab. One such exper­i­ment consisted of a little box with a piece of radioac­tive material in it. Who knows what he was planning to do with it? Schrödinger was a smart man.

One cold winter day, Schrödinger­scat went missing. Smart man that he was, Schrödinger realized that his cat must have wandered into his lab, and must have shut himself inside his little box filled with radioac­tivity. Now, Schrödinger faced a dilemma — should he open the box to free his cat?

People like you and I might wonder what the fuss was all about, but Schrödinger was a smart man. He realized that as long as he didn’t look into the box, his cat was both dead and alive, thanks to the wonderful and myste­rious laws of Quantum Village. But if he ventured to look inside the box, the cat could either be alive or dead, but not both. Schrödinger was perplexed; what was he to do? Dare he risk opening the box? After several hours of indeci­sion, Schrödinger finally decided to look. “I might as well open the box and learn the fate of my dear cat,” he thought aloud.

Alas! When he opened the box, poor Schrödinger­scat was lying there, dead. Schrödinger was stricken with grief, and it is said that he was never quite the same again.

Moral of the story: Curiosity killed the cat.

Heroes, Now With Tachyons

3 Replies

I watched the season finale of Heroes last week. Needless to say, they’ve upheld our glorious tradi­tion of disap­pointing endings. It wasn’t any more disap­pointing than the rest of the season, though…but it still quali­fies, right?

Another great tradi­tion that is followed by televi­sion and cinema is that every­thing must be explained by science. Genes being today’s fashion, every­thing in Heroes used to be explained by those little bits and pieces in our cells. Instant healing, reading thoughts, creating illusions, flying, traveling through time, painting the future and every­thing else used to be manifes­ta­tions of the amazing poten­tial of the human genome. The laws of physics are so ‘yesterday’ after all.

This time though, they invoked the mighty Einstein. You see, there’s this girl who can travel really fast, and this guy who can super­charge other people’s abili­ties. Guess what happens when they come in contact? She travels faster than light of course! That’s where Einstein comes into the picture — by travel­ling faster than the speed of light, she actually travels backwards in time, that is, into the past. With this super-ability, she travels into the past, rescues one of the good guys and gets back. Cute, huh?

But wait — the writers pulled a fast one on us: it’s all very well that she went back in time, but how on earth did she get back? Oh, whatever.

I also ended up watching old episodes from the first season during the last couple of weeks, and with all that wisdom, I feel obliged to share a bunch of dialogues that would summa­rize those twenty-three episodes -

Noah Bennet: I’ll do anything to protect my family!

Claire Bennet: I want to be normal. Boo hoo!

Peter Petrelli: I have everyone’s powers, but I’m still afraid and need my brother to hold my hand. I love him (sob, sob).

Nathan Petrelli: Don’t worry Peter, I love you and will help you just as soon as this election is over. Oh, and by the way, can you get this knife sharp­ened for me? I want it ready so that I can stab you in the back.

Matt Parkman: I’m a loser.

Hiro Nakamura: Don’t worry Parkman, I’m a loser too.

The Haitian:

(blanks out)

(…and now, a preview of the next season!)

Maya Herrera: I’m the reason why all those people died…waaaah! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Somebody please shut her up.)